Missing Our Parents, Helping the Hurting

Posted on June 2, 2015 by dogtorbill

Fifty years prior, his WWII daily K-Rations had included just enough unfiltered Camel cigarettes to start a life-ending habit that would eventually rob us of our newly sober father.

None of his children were with my father when he died. Earlier that same day, Mom had assured me that, although he was in an oxygen tent and probably wouldn’t come home from the hospital, death wasn’t imminent. . I should start looking at plane tickets and adjust my schedule accordingly for probably the next week.

I was in surgery just a few hours later when the call came; my back slid along the wall and I wilted to the floor as the news was relayed to me.

I vowed to drop what I was doing if I ever received such foreboding news about Mom. And I was with her, but only because I took seriously the news that she had stomach pains and was in the hospital for observation.

I tried not to let her see my gasp of horror when I entered the room and saw her in that hospital bed. Who was this old person, with her hair flattened and unkempt, looking so feeble and weak? This face glowed and smiled as she looked up to see who was clenching her hand and leaning down to kiss her.

Only then did it really hit me, and I was absolutely terrified. My beautiful mother was, for the first time, very mortal. Until that moment, when I thought of her, she was 48. I have no idea why that age, but I remember her being that age, and regardless of how many decades passed; that was the image I conjured up in my mind when I thought of her, spoke with her on the phone, or saw her handwriting.

At about age 48, this is the way Mom will forever live in my memory. Maureen Blanton Klein

That day is mainly a blur. A surreal experience where nothing made sense. A Chagall or Dali painting where something, or everything, was out of place. I had spoken to my mother the day before. She was 83, but the picture of health: vivacious, bubbly, energetic, the quintessential do-gooder volunteer.

She was supposed to live for another 20 years; in fact had I built an extra ground-floor bedroom with a walk-in shower for her to finally retire to, when she decided to join us in Florida!

Mom had hosted a dinner party that night in her home, cooking and serving to 10 of her close friends. When everyone was leaving, she remarked that she had a bit of a stomach ache and so didn’t want anyone to stay to help clean up, she’d just do it in the morning, because she felt like she wanted to go to bed. She had not been sick a day before this.

Who was this person in this hospital bed, writhing in abdominal pain? As the sole medical professional in the family, I would take upon myself responsibility for her proper treatment, “Where is her medical record? What have you found, and what tests have you performed?” The staff smiled at me sympathetically, and condescendingly assured me that everything possible was being done. I would certainly be allowed to look at the medical chart, if the doctor approved it.

The problem was that there was no doctor. Her primary care physician sent her here in the middle of the night. The admitting doctor then turned over her care to the “hospitalist,” what-ever the hell kind of doctor that is. I certainly wasn’t impressed with him, or the system at St Francis Medical Center in Cape Girardeau, where Mom had been taken. I’d now been there for over 6 hours and no doctor had even walked in the room to examine her. I was “assured” that he had been by once and “saw” her, and was well aware of what was going on, because he had been on the phone with the nursing staff several times over the course of the day. Finally, after my constant harassment, the nurse winked and told me he had consented to my looking at the chart, and that she’d be glad to “explain things to me.”

As we walked to the head nurse’s station she asked me a question that will forever haunt me, “You must take comfort that your mother is at least resting comfortably now, has this been an extended illness?” When I told her, “NO! She hosted a dinner party just 9 hours ago, and hasn’t been sick at all,” she turned quickly towards me, and almost shouted, “REALLY?”

The medical record was astonishing. The complete and total lack of any semblance of a medical workup was puzzling. I remarked outloud, “She presented for stomach cramps and nausea, where are the blood profile results? Why have a CT, or even a simple radiograph (X-Ray) not been taken? The incredulous look from the nurse also haunts me. “Because, Mr. Klein,” the nurse now speaking matter-of-factly, she has a DNR request on her chart and on her wrist band.”

“Nurse, actually, I’m Doctor Klein, and I demand that you call the physician immediately. DNR means (or so I naively thought) ‘Do Not Resuscitate,’ NOT “DO NOT TRY!”

“How can you possibly make a decision regarding whether or not to treat something, if you don’t even make a minimal attempt to diagnose?” I pleaded on the phone with “the hospitalist” (again, whatever the hell that is). His condescending words also continue to haunt me, “Well what would you like me to do, doctor?”

I’ll leave this alone for now. DNR is a blog posting all by itself.

Although Mom didn’t hang on for all of her children to kiss her goodbye, she did get to hear their voices on the phone. She was fading in and out of our presence, and so we called two others, who were rushing to be with her. Tears dripped from our eyes and off of our cheeks as this seemingly unconscious vessel opened her eyes and smiled when she heard their voices. Her limp hand clenched mine firmly as my siblings told her how much they love her, and – goodbye.

I never got the time to grieve into closure. I had lots of “moments,” holding my wife and children, as we wept together. But mainly there was rage at this poor excuse for a hospital, and my own guilt. Lots of guilt (probably more of that Catholic thing that seems to be a theme in my life), because I was the only one there with the medical knowledge to understand what was happening, and what was not happening. And yet I did not stomp my feet, make a scene, and scream at the top of my lungs until a real doctor showed up. (Clearly I realize a hospitalist is a licensed physician, my point being the system in this hospital, perhaps the entire state, is dysfunctional and absurd).

And then the unthinkable happened. Much like a woman who later gets cancer in a second breast, a man who survives chemo only to die in an accident, or an amputee to later discover metastases.

The Christian band Casting Crowns seemed to feel our pain in Praise You in this Storm,

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

and Natalie Grant also knows a continued hurt with Our Hope Endures

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

Just a few months later, in the middle of the night, we received the second call. Our beautiful, wonderful Cullen had been in an accident.

Clearly, there are some things we just aren’t supposed to understand. I don’t understand.

As unfair as it seems at the time, life does go on, and others are allowed to continue on “as if nothing happened.” We live our own lives, we walk our own Camino, even when we travel with others.

Maureen Blanton Klein with William Cullen Klein

Mom and Cullen

Mom with Cullen

William Cullen Klein and Sharon Tidd Klein

Cullen and Sharon

Maureen Blanton Klein with William Lewis Klein

Our beautiful mother in 2007, on my wedding day

I wrote this post last year, but could never bring myself to hit the “publish” button. It just didn’t feel right yet. Things were too raw. Those of you who have lost parents, siblings, or the unthinkable loss of a child know all too well these emotions.

Recently, I participated in training seminars focusing on end of life, grief and bereavement, and some concepts regarding how best to support those “left behind.” The only thing that seems to consistently help is our “being present” when others are suffering from loss. There are no correct words that always apply; in fact most of the cliche’s that are said are absurd and (however well-meaning) actually deepen the hurt. But at least these people tried. So many people pull back from those they care about, because they don’t have something profound or healing to say. And so they say nothing. They disappear. They do nothing. And that is the most hurtful of all.

Some of who I considered my closest friends haven’t spoken to me since my son’s accident. And yet two acquaintances, whom I hadn’t spoken to in decades, reached out to me after Cullen’s accident, because they too had lost a child. Their kindness will never be forgotten.

Being present means you know they are hurting. Since they are loved and special to us, we hurt with them. Just sitting together, hugging, and crying. You are let in not because of who you are, but because who you are is formed by your history with the hurting, and your personal knowledge of loss. Empathy. It’s not something you read about, or something you do. It’s who you are.

Its the age old question. Its that which shakes our faith to its very core. Why must we hurt? Why does tragedy happen to good people? Hurt is the price we pay for our love. We truly wouldn’t know light without darkness for comparison. Warmth without the chill of loneliness. Compassion without our own hurt.

Rather, embrace your pain. For this pain exists precisely because you feel. You have not loved and lost, you have gained so much because you have loved, and have been loved. To feel is a chance to live, and a chance to love.

Reach out to those whom you love, especially when they are hurting. And not just when they’re hurting, and not just to those you love.

“You don’t choose a life, you live one.”

Everybody Remembers a Mike

Posted on April 29, 2015 by dogtorbill | 10 Comments

I think Dewey and Vaudean Gimlin used to see me for what I was back then – Eddie Haskell, Wally Cleaver’s best friend on Leave it to Beaver. And although this was pretty correct, their son Mike and I used to feed off of each other. This is why we were best friends for about a fourth of my life.

Every time Mike got into trouble, Dewey pretty much blamed me. My long hair was probably why Dewey saw to it that Mike’s was never more than about a half inch – he was too curly to allow a military “flat top,” but this was the general idea.

Although I went to St Francis Xavier and he went to public elementary school, weekends and all summer long found us together. He was classmates with Paul Ensor and the three of us would always be together in some combination, typically together, and inseparable.

These were the days a mom could drop her 10 year old at the pool, and not see him again until dinner-time, and she’d still be a “good mom.” Back when we’d get up before daybreak on Saturday and fly off on our stingray bikes with fishing poles and spend the entire day at the ditch (crick for some of you), and come back with a “mess-o’-catfish” or empty handed, and burnt and exhausted, and fulfilled with what growing up in Sikeston, Missourah meant.

I remember one Saturday morning, knocking on the aluminum storm door. Normally it would be unlocked, and I’d peck on the front door, if it was even closed, and I’d hear the official welcome, “Come on in Billy!” But today, Mr. Dewey opened the front door, and spoke to me through the glass. His voice was stern, but that’s just how he was sometimes, especially if he was scolding Mike for participating in some of our shenanigans.

“Bill, Mike’s pretty sick, and won’t be able to ‘come out to play,’ today.” I assumed it must be contagious, because they normally asked me in.

“Oh, yes sir, uhm, ok, well.. Mr. Gimlin, please tell him to get better quick, my sister’s having a party this afternoon, and we’re gonna spy on them!” (Eddie Haskell indeed) “Sure, Bill, I’ll tell him.”

No big deal, we’d catch up later. Off I zipped a few blocks away to my classmate and other best friend Bob Leible’s house. We probably watched Johnny Quest and ate Alpha Bits and then played catch or whatever. Mr. Dewey or Miss Vaudean must have called Mom to let her know what was going on, because that evening, when I finally got home, she sat me down and told me that Mike was pretty sick, and not to go back over there until they called back to say it was OK. “But Mike’s going to be OK.” She was emphatic. I remember the emphasis, but I knew that already. “Of course Mike was going to be OK.”

Pretty sick to me meant the flu, or strep throat, or ‘chicken pops,’ or even a really bad sunburn. I had little concept of “pretty sick,” and certainly no concept of what pretty sick might lead to. My Grandpa and Grandma, and Papu and Mamu were all still alive. Mamu represented what really sick meant. She lived upstairs in her house in a steel bed, and whenever I was brought along to visit, she’d mumble my name repeatedly and nonsensically the entire time I was there.

I take that back. I did have a concept of death, but only from a far distance. When I was probably only 12 or 13, one of the kids on my street just disappeared. She just stopped playing with other kids and me. I remember her house, and that she was really sweet and nice, and very cute, and in band with all of us. Before anyone really knew she was gone, we were told that our little friend Kim Inman had died from something called Reye’s Syndrome. None of us went to her funeral; I guess you’re just supposed to shelter kids from depressing stuff like that.

Anyway, Mike had been gone about a month before I was told that he was in the hospital in Memphis at St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital with a thing called Hodgkin’s Disease. “Whew! At least he didn’t have Reye’s Syndrome!”

As it turns out, Hodgkin’s disease is a form of Leukemia. And today, it’s a form that can generally be put into remission. Back then, the odds weren’t quite so good, so they basically threw the chemotherapy kitchen sink at them. Afterwards he had radiation, which meant that even after he got home, it was weeks before I could see my best bud again.

Flash forward 40 years. Now we had buried all four of our grandparents, I’d said goodbye to Dad in 1998, and then held Mom’s hand as she passed just a few months ago. Death and mortality were often on my mind, and I was grappling with existential issues. One of my remaining close Sikeston connections, Dr. Sam, called me to let me know that my dear old friend Mike was in the hospital, and probably would not come home. He thought I should know.

And so I went home one last time. Not counting Mom’s funeral, it had been over ten years since I’d been here. Would Sikeston always be home? And it had been 30 years since I had seen Mike, except a few minutes at the one reunion. Why would I drop what I was doing, cancel my full appointment book to see someone I didn’t really even know anymore? Why would I care?

We all have “Mike’s” in our histories. And when we peel back layer after layer of the onion, we discover that person impacting our lives in ways, over the years, that we’d never really considered.

A cruel word by a classmate, an ass-kicking by a bully, or judgement from a parent or the pulpit seems to linger in our subconscious for decades, We remind ourselves how ridiculous this is looking back, but the effect is profound regardless. That’s why shrinks have patients shout at empty chairs, and say things previously left unsaid, but apparently helpful to finally get out.

Likewise, good experiences and loving words affect us as well. I don’t think this gets nearly enough attention. Mike was a good friend, and a wonderful person. We went different directions at college time, and we fell into vastly different crowds. Years later, Mike shared some tears and heartfelt regret over some of the things that happened during those years. I would grovel for not including him as a groomsman when I got married. I hadn’t seen him in years, and I honestly forgot about him. When we open up and share honestly, it seems to encourage others to come clean also. He had lots of regrets.

I have plenty too.

But, “back in the day,” Mike and I had so much fun, and so many good times. We told each other everything. My first steady girlfriend was his girlfriend’s best friend. (I later tried to date his wife’s sister Dolly, but he thought it was a terrible idea, because she was a “good girl,” and I was a dog). We played tennis and worked out together. We were in band together (with Paul and Kim and many of my friends). We partied together, SEMO style, and navigated together to all the “farm parties,” in some random barn, or “back 40.” I vividly remember listening to Willie Nelson, The Marshall Tucker Band, Bob Seger, and Rush, as we drove down the blacktop country roads in my Cutlass T-Top. One time we got lost, and stopped in the middle of the road, with 10 foot corn on both sides, when a giant irrigation rig rolled out and dumped about a hundred gallons of water into the open car, completely drenching us, and filling my floorboards.

And then there was the time I was riding shotgun in Mike’s beloved, yellow Mustang Fastback as he drove us one Summer afternoon to the movie theater. We were laughing so hard that he wasn’t paying attention, and ran that stop-sign. I saw the sign, and the oncoming car from the side street. Screaming “Mike!” I loosened my seat-belt and jumped into his lap. The impact destroyed the entire passenger side, and it’s door rested against the center console. Although I look back and chuckle about it, Mike never could. He had put his best friend in danger. And he loved that car. No really, he loved that car.

I suppose this is all part of the “human condition.’ So much of who we are, what we become is from our histories with those in our life at the time. I am thankful that I knew Mike, and that he was my friend.

Why do we find ourselves “close” with certain people anyway? How do we, just instinctively become brothers with a few of them, but just acquaintances with others? Is it God’s providence, or just the way things just turned out? I don’t know.

Today is Mike Gimlin’s birthday, and I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately.

What I do know is that I’m so glad I got that call before Mike died. We held hands and laughed until we cried about the old times. So many things I can’t share here, but suffice it to say, we lived lots of our young lives together. I apologized again for not asking him to be in my wedding. I felt guilty that all of my old friends had embraced him, but I wasn’t around. Paul, Andy, Chuck, everyone but me. I was so happy that at least they had been there. As he dosed off, I looked at the medical record sitting on the counter. The chemotherapy and radiation from decades ago had damaged his kidneys, and everything else was now also shutting down. He opened his eyes again and just started talking again, as if we hadn’t paused the conversation for 10 minutes. Mike turned his head and asked what I had brought in, probably hoping it was brownies or something. “It’s my bible, Mike. Would you like me to read to you?”

“Yes,” he whispered, “Yes, I would.”

I turned to what I had previously selected, the story of David slaying the giant Goliath. And that “All things are possible through Christ, who strengthens me.” And there I was, holding my friend’s hand, reading scripture to him, when Mike’s wife Denise, and her “good” sister Dolly walked in. Not really sure why I think that’s funny, but I do.

I hugged Mike, as he lay there, knowing this was his deathbed. As I turned back to wave from the doorway, I turned to see tears streaming down his cheeks. I went back for a final embrace. “Thanks for such good memories. I will see you again, good friend.”

Look back over time. How many “Mike’s” have changed you? They were there to laugh with for many good times, and to lean on through some bad ones. We’re quick to blame our rotten-ness on rotten people who we’ve chosen to let darken us. Perhaps its time to remember the good people in our formation. Thank them for being such a good person when you needed one. They’re the standard we compare the others to. Call someone today that you haven’t thought about for years, and thank them for good memories. If they’re gone, thank them when you pray. I’ll bet they appreciate it, either way. Much Love.

Lessons From Emily’s Missing Boat, Teaching Me to Sail

Posted on March 1, 2015 by dogtorbill

“I’m fine, I think I’m doing really well, considering it just happened a year ago.”

The conversation is still fresh in my mind, although it took place over a year ago. The best part of family reunions is breakfast talk, and this one was with my oldest brother. With a father who was absent much of the time, this brother takes on the alpha role, and it seems to continue on, decades later.

Anyway, he asked me a second time, “Bill, really, how are you?”

“Really, I’m much better than most people would be after losing a child,” I replied very matter-of-factly. “But life is just much different now. I have absolutely no patience for bull-shit, no interest in unimportant things. I don’t care about anything at all that doesn’t make me a ‘better version of myself,’ more likely to do what I’m supposed to do while I’m here.”

“That doesn’t sound like much fun, there’s more to life than just the important things!”

The tone had suddenly become very serious. “Here’s the deal… trust me, you have nothing to worry about – I would never do anything to hurt myself, but I don’t really care if I live, or not. I’m ‘over it,’ and ready to check out”

My big brother’s face drained of all color. I continued, “If I were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, I’d tell no one, and not even consider any treatment.” I was talking to a man in the midst of debilitating and painful prostate cancer treatment and recovery. I’d held his hand as he recovered from anesthesia. That was back when I thought divorce and the loss of my mother would be my darkest days, and the greatest tests of my faith.

He looked down at me as I had grown accustomed, he was the big brother with all of life’s knowledge, and I was Billy, the naive little boy. He was using his adult logic to tell me how “stupid” my feelings were. Except this time he was wrong. It was I that had the knowledge, the life experience.

I ripped back into him angrily, for the first time in my memory, It was as if he was from Mars, and had no idea what he was talking about, about how things really were. This time it was I who possessed all of life’s knowledge. I had lost my son, and he had no idea what he was talking about.

It seemed perfectly logical to me. If a 19 year old child, my first son, could die, the world would end soon for all of us. Perhaps I felt as though the world had ended already. My world had. This was not a metaphor, it’s truly how I felt. And if I was going to die soon, why would I get my oil changed, or get new tires, or cut the damn grass.

The shrinks nod approvingly, because apparently it’s just another stage to progress through, and mine were not uncommon feelings. I hadn’t sought out mental health therapy, but it seemed to seek me out. I’d been urged to visit, or even visited by organizations like Compassionate Friends, Rainbows, and ClearCause Foundation. These are some pretty awesome folks well versed in uplifting the survivors. But I’m a self-help junkie, and prefer to experience epiphany myself, especially if I can do it in a setting with my Lord and Savior.

Besides, like in the Tim McGraw song, Live Like You Were Dyin’, shouldn’t we all live like today could be our last day? The tragedy had tested my faith, and directed me towards (an attempt at) being that “best version of myself,” that Matthew Kelly talks about. In fact, it’s become my mantra when dealing with people myself, or pontificating to others – “Never say or do anything to someone that you wouldn’t want to be the last thing you ever said or did.” And, in fact that is most certainly a healthy “life vision,” the best way to navigate through our daily encounters with others.

But the problem is, how selfish it was making me. My focus of getting me through life righteously, would be much easier if it was a short life. And so when I hiked the Camino de Santiago, I always took the highest, most dangerous, risky passages at every opportunity. I agreed to jump out of “a perfectly good airplane” with my daughter Kayla on her 18th birthday, and I didn’t really care if my tires had been bald for a month. That was the stuff I did subconsciously, my self-destructive unconscious. My visible encounters with others took on the tone of, “What’s the right thing for me to do?” But not for their sake, but for my own. To get to heaven, but not just to get to heaven. Because it makes God happy with me.

Upon reading back over this last paragraph, I realize it sounds like splitting hairs, and very philosophical. Here’s what I mean – years ago, I heard a Buddhist version of a parable.

The student, after years of instruction, was told that his route to heaven was his mantra. It was whispered in his ear, and he was sternly warned not to share it with anyone. He asked the wise old monk, “What if I tell others of this mantra?” “That would give them all access to heaven, but you would lose your own salvation. It would be very foolish.” Shortly later, the wise old monk heard much commotion outside, and looked to observe his student on the street, sharing his mantra with his family, his friends, everyone, in fact, who would listen. The wise old monk rushed out to him, and looked down proudly, “You have learned well, and will most certainly join your friends in paradise.”

You see the difference? It can not be “all about me.” Getting myself to heaven may, in fact be the point, but a much more loving and effective way to do so is selflessly.

So what’s any of this got to do with my daughter being lost at sea?

The “Tara”

Six days after we lost contact with Emily, I actually became angry with her for being so inconsiderate. How could she put her life in such peril? All of our lives had been torn apart, how literally destroyed each of us have been, how much pain her brother’s death had caused. What was she thinking?!! Clearly not thinking! Completely selfish and inconsiderate! I’d had this very talk with her as we flew back from China with his ashes. Our family could not withstand another loss. Blatantly discarding all consideration of her family, she disregarded us and our feelings, and went on a tiny sailboat in predicted rough seas, and… and…

And yet, here I had been doing the same thing for two years.

Much of last Thursday’s workday had been on the phone with the United States Coast Guard and with Emily’s big sister’s fiance (a yacht captain), and the parents of Emily’s friend (the captain of the 32 foot Tara), being strong and coherent. The rest of the day was spent squatting in the back room of my veterinary hospital embracing Cullen’s dog Svedka with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Then I drove home for two hours going 80 miles an hour in the rain on bald tires. “And so, when I hydro-planed to my death, surely my son would embrace me, and lead me ‘home,’ to our Lord.” How incredible will that be??? Much like Mercy Me’s hit I Can Only Imagine, I do look forward to that day! But somehow, now it sounds embarrassing to even write down those words.

Do I think the loss of my own life would be any easier for Cullen’s siblings? To lose their father, and new stepfather? And my own siblings? Any my wife? After already losing her first husband to lymphoma, I don’t have any more compassion and consideration for her than to take absurd risks with my own life, because I’m “over it?”

Psychologists call it cathexis.

It’s the emotional energy used in concentrating on a person, or the emotional value we develop and place on someone.

I had so valued my relationship with Cullen, that I had disregarded my own value to Emily (who I was now angry with for being so “selfish”), Camille (who is counting on me to walk her down the aisle in a few months and to love and embrace those grandchildren she has planned), Kayla and Noah (who already said goodbye to their first father when they were just babies), and Sharon, who has already had the love of her life ripped from her by cancer.

And on that sixth day, as my anger evolved into concern, and I found my voice cracking, and often unable to complete sentences containing her name. Only when I made myself numb could I speak matter-of-factly to the Coast Guard and others involved in the search. I flashed back to my steps to the pulpit to deliver Cullen’s eulogy.

Our “Camino,” this journey through life, is full of growth and lessons that must be learned through living, and not taught from someone else’s perspective.

I can not be told how stupidly I’m behaving, I must come to that realization on my own. In psychoanalytic terms, this process is called de-cathexis.

In order to refocus your life’s energies toward the future, you need displace some of that emotion onto other people and things in your life. This process cannot be rushed, it takes time.

There have been many lessons learned from the Tara’s being blown off course by a wicked storm:

Many people, loved ones as well as strangers, have reconnected to prayer with our Lord. Seldom are our prayers so quickly and visibly answered. Thanks again to over a hundred thousand who bowed their heads for us. In the only conversation I’ve had with her since, Emily described this all as very humbling. If reconnecting others to prayer was the only consequence of this saga, its all been worthwhile.
My big brother still knows more than I do.
Emily’s a big girl, and gets to make her own decisions. I’m not allowed to get upset if she doesn’t see things from my perspective. I’d have gone on that sailboat too. I have many times. And she won’t learn the same lessons that I would have. She’s not me. Others travel their own journey, stumble and fall, and gain their own knowledge.
My car handles much better now with my new tires.
Sometimes, when the storm is too brutal, we must lower our sails, but then we drift and will eventually founder. I’ve learned that it must be raised again to catch the wind, and move forward.

Perhaps most importantly, I’m afforded the unexpected luxury of learning one of life’s valuable lessons, this time without tragedy. It’s much different than reading books on grief recovery assuring me that, “It’s OK to keep living. We don’t betray our lost loved ones by resuming life.”

It’s OK, or even required, to refocus some of that emotion, and reconnect with others that continue to love us, and also ache with their own bloodied knees. Much Love.

Svedka and the Gifts Left Behind

Posted on March 17, 2014 by dogtorbill | 20 Comments

“I never really liked little dogs, but now that my wife is gone, ‘Sandy’ is all I have left of her. My God, she loved this dog. I don’t think I could go on if anything happened to her,” the old man told me as he clutched the Pomeranian. Sandy was getting on in years and had severe periodontal disease and now an abscessed tooth from years of having refused routine prophylaxis. Seventeen years or not, the old dog was suffering and we really needed to so some dental work, the risks of anesthesia were now irrelevant. But Sandy was not just this man’s pet, she was how he was gasping to keep alive this only remaining part of his spouse.

A Jack Russell Terrier named “Buddy” squirmed and bounced on the exam table, a complete lunatic. These little dogs (what we like to call Jack Russell Terrorists) are out of control on a good day, and this one was truly a “special needs” case. This dog hadn’t heard the word “no” in months, and was coddled and talked to in ways that defied logic, unless you know the story. Buddy had been best friends with the 16-year-old daughter of this couple – one of the teens killed last year in a horrific auto accident that made state headlines.

Cullen and his best friend Tim ran up the stairs with all the excitement and giddiness that would accompany a new puppy. They had slipped out of Tallahassee after classes, passed us in Melbourne and spent the morning sitting on the ground in South Florida, with a litter of Siberian Husky puppies running, licking, and jumping all over them. He would leave in Miami half of what he had saved that semester, from tutoring classmates in Spanish, Arabic, and Chinese, and return with so much excitement he was ready to burst. “Svedka” was an absolutely stunning pure white Husky with eerily transcendent crystal blue eyes that would pierce into me. I’ve been a vet for almost 30 years and had never seen a white husky before (although now they seem to be everywhere), and I was taken back at this beautiful creature. She immediately squatted to urinate when he put her down, no surprise to me after a 4 hour car-ride, but Cullen was surprised and embarrassed, as he was so proud and thought everything about her was “perfect.”

Having had no prior knowledge of his stealthy plan, I was astonished and confused. I do remember the YouTube video of the Husky howling “I love you” that Cullen had thought was so cool, playing it over and over in amazement and asserting that he was going to get one and teach it to talk too! But my prodigy would be graduating at age 19, and leaving on a Chinese Master’s degree fellowship in just a few months. “Have you lost your mind? Why would you get a puppy right before you leave for two years in China?!! Are you crazy or just irresponsible?” (One more thing I said over the years that I wish I could take back)

He just looked at me and smiled, telling me to calm down, that he had all the details worked out. Tim would take care of Svedka while he was gone! That seemed pretty logical to a 19-year-old.

Amy Hollingsworth authored a book entitled, “Gifts of Passage,” where she describes “gifts our loved ones leave behind.” She artfully weaves Where the Red Fern Grows, the “Myth of the Red Thread,” lots of C.S. Lewis, and experiences from hospice care nurses into this masterpiece that finds the reader constantly nodding their head in affirmation. This had been one of a dozen or more books I had been given when I was in the depths of grief after my darkest day. The baby boy that I had prayed for and been given on my (our) birthday, nineteen years ago, would leave for China, and be killed in the strangest of accidents.

One can not comprehend the anguish of losing a child, nor be of any consolation. Witnessing the sobbing of several old men when they shared with me the loss of their own child makes it clear that the grief, like the love, endures decades, and forever.

I have, however, come a long way. I can type these words without weeping, although a later re-reading, as I proofread, will tend to prove painful. We’ve struggled with lots of things to make sense of, or at least accept our loss. I went to one Compassionate Friends grief support group for parents. It was so depressing with many parents still hysterical with that drunk driver, or that f’ing cancer, or simply at God, and ironic that now so many were now drunks and addicts themselves, climbing inside the bottle or vial of Zoloft to be numb. But I did not want any of this stuff. An open, bleeding wound where my heart used to be would probably remain forever, but surely there was some form of healing to be had. And so we worked on it, and “working through” grief is truly work.

Sharing stories and feelings with the rest of the family, mentoring with friends and priests, lots of conversations with our Lord, and my infamous 500 mile Camino de Santiago have all helped immensely. I have become an avid reader, having read more in the last year than my preceding 50 years combined. My days always start with a page or two of scripture to think about during the day, and usually end with a few chapters of my “book of the week.”

I’ve now read this Hollingsworth book three times, and always tear and laugh at the same places. There is a legend in Asian culture of “the read thread” that connects and pulls certain people destined to be together or to impact each other in some way, providing love, a lesson, or support. Wending its way, crossing time and culture, spanning age and death, this red thread connects me to those whose stories would matter to me, would teach me. Each gift has unraveled like a mystery, so that I have learned not only about the gift, but about the process I am going through to discern my own. With each of these stories, the red thread tightens, pulling me closer to the meaning of his “Gift of Passage.”

This may well be what we Christians call “God’s Providence.” Our days, our very lives are directed by our free, often stupid, choices. However, His hand presents us with continuous new choices and second chances to live righteously – despite, or perhaps especially because He knows well in advance the outcomes, and how our time here will end. His loving hand guides us to opportunities and choices where we can overflow His love, or not.

Hollingsworth tells of these gifts left behind – the most obvious ones are the conscious, intentional gifts of those who know they are dying. Sometimes in a will or a list of “worldly goods,” or may be simply a conversation or heartfelt confession. They plan out thoughtful comfort, meant to convey a loving message, something they want to be remembered by. But the surprising gifts are those where an acute or catastrophic accident occur, where no one has had warning. Such times the gifts aren’t so obvious but they become evident as the journey continues. The “seeds have been planted” to help us cope, or even understand. Like The Red Fern, there’s no way to know where seeds are planted until the red fern begins to push its way out of the soil.

Cullen had left many such gifts: Stories from his friends of his acts of love and kindness, memories of the recent times spent with us, the loving compassionate things he had said to complete strangers, the fighting people he had brought together, the itinerary he had planned for us to visit him in China, and the most loving text message he had sent me that very morning.

Svedka was also my gift left behind. I had been so adamant that his getting a dog was such a stupid, irresponsible decision. So after moving him out of his apartment at FSU, we dropped Sved off with Tim’s grandmother, Joyce. We already had three big dogs who had destroyed the yard and made the house impossible to keep clean. Our house was too full of dogs already.

Svedka on floorboard under sleeping Cullen, on the way home from FSU

Cullen inscribed a classmate’s notebook, “Cullen was here.” They later added, “For a reason.”

But on May 18th 2012, our home suddenly was very empty. Much like our hearts, this house was desolate and drained, devoid of happiness and life. We tried desperately to force some normalcy to feign sanity, especially for Cullen’s siblings. So we sat on the bleachers, watching Noah enter the dugout with his head down. Without prompting, each of the South Beach Dodgers went up to my 11-year-old son and hugged him that day. As he approached the plate for his first “at bat,” he crossed himself and pointed to the heavens. It was more than I could handle; before I left, I leaned to Shar and said, “I want to get Sved.” She smiled through her own tears, glad that I had suggested something so rational.

I don’t remember Kayla and I speaking as we left the game and made that long drive. Nor do I remember Joyce and I speaking. Not with words anyway. We wept as we hugged in her driveway; Svedka had already jumped in and was on Kayla’s lap, kissing her. Now she rides with my old boxer, Nieve and me every day to work, and never complains about the long commute. Most of the drive she leans against the back of my seat, often leaning her head on my shoulder.

These gifts are not a “consolation prize” for my broken heart, but rather they set in motion an anguish through which the real gift is given. Like Psyche‘s rage against Cupid in C.S. Lewis’ Until We Have Faces, my real gift is that I have learned how to love, really love the god who separated me from my son. The real gift is the transformation of the beast into something beautiful, a true understanding of the love of God.

Much Love.

“I Hope It’s Everything You Need It To Be”

Posted on January 22, 2014 by dogtorbill | 18 Comments

When I left to hike the 540 mile Camino de Santiago last May (2013), people didn’t really know what to wish for me. Most knew I was working through a major grieving journey after losing my 19-year-old son Cullen, but no one seemed to “get it.” My associate at work honestly didn’t expect me to return (was I to stay in the Pyrenees to herd sheep?) In retrospect, I’m not really sure what I was hoping for either. I wrote my siblings a letter informing them that I was going, and that I literally hoped to have some profound conversations with my God and my son. Saints Augustine, Francis of Assisi, Bernadette, Therese, and blessed Mother Theresa are among many who claimed they very clearly heard the voice of God throughout their lives. I think my family were deeply disturbed by such an expectation; lacking faith that such communications could indeed transpire, were scared that I would spiral into deeper and deeper anguish and depression. Several simply said, “I hope its everything you need it to be.”

Regardless of my expectations, it was something that I simply felt compelled to do. Watching a movie called The Way, was the last thing Cullen and I had done together, and its eerie foreboding of a father who must confront the accidental death of his son pulled me forcefully. Martin Sheen plays an American doctor who learns of his son’s accident, and when he travels to Spain to bring the body home, discovers the accident had occurred as his beloved son was hiking the 800km Pilgrimage called Camino de Santiago towards the Cathedral at Santiago, where St. James is buried. We agreed to make the pilgrimage together when he returned from China, after he earned his master’s degree. I decided to make that Camino and enter the Cathedral in Santiago de Compostela on the first anniversary.

On my 31 day Camino I did, in fact, have many such conversations. Although I longed for the voice of Charlton Heston or James Earl Ray to come echoing through the woods or from the sky, those weren’t my expectations. I learned from Elijah that the voice of God wasn’t in an earthquake, the wind, or fire, but instead in the “soft whisper of a voice.” So I walked the weeks alone and most hours, there was only the silence.

On April 20, 2013 as I entered the tiny village of Utrega, Spain, the ground began to rumble, and as I wondered if there could be a train nearby, streams of people ran into the street and began to shout.

May 5th, I began my trek across the Meseta. I have no idea why I thought the Mesa would be dry and hot, but today it certainly was not. The entire day was below freezing, and the steady wind varied between 20 and 40 MPH. Fortunately it blew from behind me, but the sound of the wind was extremely loud and sometimes made it hard to carry on a conversation or even think.

Later in May, on the 9th, with the Meseta 4 days behind me, the weather was still chilly, and now included frequent showers, resulting in a bone chilling shiver that began to play tricks on me. I struggled onward (as many pilgrims I had met liked to say, “Ultreya!” (an expression urging one to “go beyond,” or “onward with confidence!”). sarcastically telling myself that these past few days had certainly fulfilled some of the requisite suffering to constitute a “pilgrimage!” The rain had trickled off my waterproof pants, but the small drops that wicked onto my socks had taken a toll. My toes were numb and my hands had tremored with shivers for hours. The road forked and I committed to the albergue (similar to a hostel) 4 kilometers down this road. As I neared, I realized I would have difficulty continuing, but the strengthening smell of wood in the fireplace kept my feet trudging forward.

My heart sank when I discovered the typical 8-12E cost 25E here, as I realized I only had about 20E until I got to the next town big enough to have a bank. I shrugged as I continued on, realizing there were no other nearby accommodations listed in Brierly’s Guidebook. But as I got further from the albergue, the intoxicating sweetness of the fireplace smoke seemed to get even closer. Less than 100 meters later, just around a bend in the road, was something that made me start to sob. Here was a farmhouse with “pilgrim accomodations,” including dinner that night and breakfast, for 12E. Within 30 minutes, I had enjoyed a hot shower, a delicious home cooked meal, and sat with my feet by the soothing warmth of this fire, communicating something with its popping and crackling.

None of this clicked until the afternoon that I hiked for hours alone through the logging forest. This was one of the emotional days, as I shouted out at God in frustration. Why was he not speaking to me? I read scripture every morning to give me something to meditate on. I said several rosaries every day as I walked. I spoke aloud the “Sinner’s Prayer,” and “Speak, Oh Lord, your servant is listening” repeatedly. “WHERE ARE YOU?” I finally shouted through the tears at the top of my lungs. “I’ll do anything you want, but you gotta talk to me, show me something!”

Later I would recall this day, as I read C. S. Lewis’ book, A Grief Revealed, where the devastating grief from losing his wife Joy to cancer made the author very human to me. Here was the quintessential man of faith, that I had on such a pedestal for authoring such inspiring Christian literature (from the apologetics of Mere Christianity, humor of Screwtape Letters, thought provoking The Problem of Pain to his best known children’s books, so full of symbolism such as Chronicles of Narnia), having the very same emotions I was having. Lewis didn’t doubt the existence of God, just “what sort of a God?” “A loving God? He wasn’t very loving to Joy!”

Lewis continues, “I turn to God now that I really need Him, and what do I find? A door slammed in my face. The sound of bolting and double bolting. After that, silence. It’s like being in prison.”

That’s exactly how I had felt for months, and more specifically, at that moment. No one around for probably miles, I hadn’t seen anyone for hours. And silence was all there was up there in the Spanish mountains, except the sound of the wind rustling through the trees, which now was loud enough that I couldn’t have heard that “soft whisper of a voice” that I was trying so hard to hear.

And then, out of no where, I was startled and jumped as the shadow of someone passed me, as if I was standing still. He muttered something very softly, almost a whisper, that I couldn’t understand, maybe some other language, I assumed. “Wow,” I thought, “that guy is really flying!” And there was just something really strange about him, he looked so … familiar. And he wasn’t carrying a backpack like everyone else, it was more like a rucksack. That’s it, he had what looked like khaki or desert camo colored – rucksack. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. This guy didn’t just look familiar, I knew exactly who he was. But Mike Snelgrove was gone now. (Mike is the subject of my next blog post)

So, I stood there in utter astonishment. I really gotta read more of that “Old Testament” stuff that’s not “actually relevant” anymore.

1 Kings 19:11-13

¹¹The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹²After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

I had felt an earthquake, felt a toppling wind, and the warmth of the fire. And finally, the passing whisper. As I relived this day in my mind the other day as I was working around the house, trying to find the message, this song shuffled out of my playlist:

“What Do I Know Of Holy” (by Addison Road)

I made You promises a thousand times

I tried to hear from Heaven

But I talked the whole time

I think I made You too small

I never feared You at all No

If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

[CHORUS]
So What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
So What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

So, that’s it. When we try too hard, when we talk too loud, when we make ultimatums and demands – we hear nothing.

“I tried to hear from Heaven, but I talked the whole time.”

C. S. Lewis also makes some progress in A Grief Observed:

Imagine a man in total darkness. He thinks because he can see nothing, that he is in a dungeon. In the middle of that darkness, he hears a sound. The sound is brief, and comes from far away. Perhaps the sound of waves, or the wind in the trees; and for the first time, he senses that he is not in a dungeon, but in the open air. Nothing in his situation has changed. He still waits in darkness. Only now he knows the unseen world is greater than anything he can imagine.

It came in the same moment that I sensed that the door was neither shut, not bolted. Was it ever shut? Was it bolted from the inside by my own desperate need? They say a drowning swimmer can’t be saved if he is too fearful, because he grabs and clutches his rescuers too tight.

Had I been doing that – making demands, and ultimatums of God? Was He talking to me, just as desperately as I was to Him, but I just couldn’t hear through all the shouting from my desperate need?

It sure looks that way as I write the words.

Much Love.

I’d really love your feedback! (either press the comment link above, or comment here:)

Saints & Mass Intentions – Part 2. And Morocco

Posted on November 21, 2013 by dogtorbill | Leave a comment

Always a little teary and short of breath when I hear my son’s name at church as a soul we’re praying for, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the next intention.

If you haven’t glanced at “Part 1,” please scroll down a bit first; its a really quick read.

The kneeling moments after communion often touch me deeply, for a number of reasons. As a devout Roman Catholic, I totally accept that the Eucharist is the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of our Lord Jesus Christ, quite literally. Even non-Catholics have shared with me how moving the reverence in a Catholic Mass is for our Lord. And if you truly believe in His presence here with us, how else would you behave? This in itself puts me in a special place.

The second reason is that one of my last memories of Cullen, my eternally 19 year old son, was kneeling next to him at an adoration service where the Holy Eucharist was present on the altar for us to reverence, meditate, and in an Ignatian way, to contemplate on. Sarah Kroger was the music minister, and I’ve always been so very moved with her worship music. After kneeling in prayer and adoration of our Lord, for over an hour, I looked over at Cullen. I truly expected him to be dis-engaged, even texting, or at least at this point, sitting. An hour is a very long time to kneel. I was taken back to see my beautiful boy, kneeling in deep prayer, tears running down his cheeks, and a smile on his lips. I was then also brought to tears. My son knew my God in a way that I am, to this day, still in awe of. He was conversing with our Lord, and so many of my prayers had been answered.

When he was a little younger, around 15 years old, my son was pretty typical. Rebellious and a bit of a smart aleck, Cullen preferred staying with his Mom, cause there were few rules there, particularly concerning curfew, weed, and sleepovers. He resisted going to Mass, and often butted heads with me on a few issues, but in retrospect, probably rooted in frustrations he had not yet come to terms with. He was much more like me than he could admit at the time, with a deep seated compass and a very conservative nature.

A self described “polyglot,” Cullen was fascinated with all things linguistic. At 17, he was fluent in Spanish, French, and conversational in German, Korean, Chinese, and Arabic. He was up at all hours of the night studying Rosetta Stone and reading, and Skyping with friends all over the world, practicing and attempting to speak without accent. Extremely intelligent, he was awarded his AA degree (having dual-enrolled at the local community college, he had completed his first four college semesters), and graduated from his high school after summer school his Junior year. So, nine days after his 17th birthday, Cullen started Florida State University as a Junior, with majors in Spanish and Chinese Mandarin. Wow.

Cullen participated in an international studies program in Fez, Morocco the next Summer, where he would earn enough credit hours to qualify for Arabic as a Minor degree. After that 6 week study program, he was to stay for two weeks in Barcelona, Spain with the sister of his mother’s best friend, who lived there. He planned to drop by to see us for a short weekend, then return to FSU to start the Fall semester.

We texted with a phone App periodically, but I do vividly remember Skyping with him one evening with his Moroccan family walking back and forth in the background. At some point the elderly grandmother started shouting at him, glanced at me on the computer screen, then shouted again. He laughed and explained that it was time for the family to eat dinner, and she treated him like all the other kids in the family, scolding him for not being seated at the table and ready.

I also remember vividly having the very serious conversation about his “orientation” in a Muslim country. I pleaded with him to take this stuff seriously when he was there, because I wanted his head to come back attached to his body.

It was also around this time when I dramatically changed my approach to praying for him.

I am a pretty religious guy; I seriously study scripture and Church teachings, and try to apply them to my life. I constantly converse with God, all day, every day. I ask for favors and intercessions, I give thanks, and I beg for guidance. So you could say I “pray” all the time. However, at times, I have a much deeper, contemplative prayer time, such as after Communion.

For the longest time – for years, I prayed for Jesus to have the compassion to change Cullen’s orientation. I knew it was so difficult on him, and that no one would “choose” to be attracted to the same sex. A lifetime of prejudice and hatred was certainly going to accompany him. I was sick with anguish about the physical and mental health risks. And certainly, as I’ve expressed previously, I was concerned as to how this would affect his salvation.

It was about this point in time, after so many years, that I found myself no longer praying for my son’s “healing.” “Normal” seemed to take a back seat to “healthy.” I prayed for extended periods of time that Jesus walk with my son and keep him safe; To guide him in his decisions; To know how very loved he was; To realize that God was knocking on the door and it was time to open it.

God had made my son the was he was for a reason. I’ll never know why. It still seems unfair, and even cruel – unless there are other components to our relationship with Him that we just don’t understand yet. And, of course there are.

So I prayed, longer, and deeper, and more often than ever before. I pleaded for my son to develop a healthy, happy relationship with my Jesus, who I knew so very well. The Jesus I know loves unconditionally, because He is love, personified. I begged for an intercession, by whoever was listening up there, to God to rescue my boy, to bring him “home” and keep him steadfast and righteous.

I had completed my 2 hour commute home from work on Saturday afternoon, about 2 weeks before Cullen was due to return from Morocco. For some reason we had decided to go to Mass on Saturday, as something was going on Sunday that would keep us from all being together. My wife Sharon had said something that led me to believe that my oldest daughter Camille was back in town for the day and would be joining us at Church, which I always considered good. Apparently everyone was “in on it,” except for me. So I remember being in a really good mood, anxious to see Cam and glad that she wanted to join us for Mass. I’m sure I bounced, in my happy, dorky way from the parking lot to where I saw them gathered in the foyer in front of Holy Name of Jesus Church.

I remember the odd look on everyone’s face when I looked around and asked where Camille was. Pregnant pause. Then their eyes left mine, and looked towards the fountain, and the statue of Jesus. Seated there next to Jesus was Cullen, with an ear to ear smile!

I get a little choked up every time I think of this scene playing over and over again in my mind. We ran to each other and embraced, both with tears down our cheeks.

Not that my shedding a tear is anything unusual. Everyone that know me, knows that I cry at SPCA and Hallmark commercials.

“Cullen!” I exclaimed, “Why did you come back so early?” I knew he had so been looking forward to being in Barcelona, in real Spanish culture, living with Spanish friends. “Dad,” he explained, “When I was landing in Spain, I looked out and saw a Cathedral. I never thought I’d be so glad to see a cross on the top of a church!”

“Every moment of every day,” he said, “Someone was trying to convert me to Islam … from the guy selling newspapers, to the pretty girl on the bench, to the host family.” The proselytizing had taken its toll, and he was ready to go “home.”

From that moment on, Cullen was so very different. He actually seemed like he wanted to spend time with me, with us. He looked forward to going to Church, and discussing religion and spirituality with me. At first I skeptical, it was just such a turn-around. But it became more and more credible every day. On Sundays, Cullen would call me from school, as he walked 45 minutes home from Church to his apartment, to discuss the homily. How many college kids walk 45 minutes each way to attend church?

So, I digress. But it does serve as background. Anyway, it was August 27th of this year. I was born on August 27, and so was Cullen. That’s right, Cullen was my 32nd birthday present from God in 1992. So of course I had requested Mass be said for Cullen on August 27. And, even though I was expecting it, the mention of his name as the “special intention” of the day’s Mass found me squeezing Cullen’s cross pendant necklace, and looking down.

The rest of the Mass was a bit of a blur, except the mention during the homily of the patron saint for August 27th.

St. Monica.

The very same St. Monica who prayed and cried daily for the salvation and return to the faith of her son Augustine.

With all my heart I now believe in the intercession of the Saints on our behalf. We are not here alone. We are part of the “Communion of Saints.” The time/space continuum is certainly something that we, as finite creatures just can not grasp, but one thing is definite. Is it a coincidence that Cullen and I were born on the feast day of St. Monica? Lately I’ve just noticed way too many things and people woven together with that famous “red thread” that Amy Hollingsworth discusses in Gifts of Passage. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are no coincidences.

Life does not end with our mortality. There is life on the other side, and it’s not somewhere else. Our loved ones are with us in a very real way, and touch us in ways we can not even imagine.

Catholic stuff like Saints & Mass Intentions – Part 1

Posted on November 20, 2013 by dogtorbill | Leave a comment

I never really understood why non-Catholics have such a problem with the saints, or asking the saints to intervene for our intentions, on our behalf, to God. My purpose here is not faith apologetics, there are plenty of resources devoted to that which would be more helpful to the curious seeker. However my own understanding is that the saints were just regular people, many in fact quite like me, very rebellious and sinful early in life, only to grow in their faith and touched by our Lord such that they became worthy of imitation. (ha, not that I am!) A common theme seemed to be their humility, none of them seemed to feel very “worthy.” We hold it to be a truth that these “Saints,” are in heaven with our Lord. Therefore, being “closer” than we are, it just seems logical that they could put a word in edgewise, and referencing Maccabees and Revelation 5:8, they in fact do receive our prayers (symbolized by incense) and relay them on to God. Why not pray to God ourselves? Well, of course we can, and should, and do. But when we’re hurting, or scared, or facing tragedy, don’t we also ask our friends to pray for us? And aren’t we more likely to ask those who we consider “the faithful,” “saved,” or at least “believers” to pray for us than our cousin Joey who thinks it’s all a bunch of crap? So who better to ask to pray for us that those we believe are so “saved” that they actually are with God already? I’ve heard claims that praying to the dead amount to necromancy or even “idolatry.” This is absurd, no one is conjuring up, worshipping or deifying the dead, simply asking them to relay a request.

Ok, that all being said, during my life, I haven’t prayed much or very often to the Saints – at least not until recently.

St. Monica (AD331-387) is remembered and venerated as a devout Christian during those early years, and her virtues, particularly the suffering against the adultery of her husband, and a prayerful life dedicated to the reformation of her son (Augustine), are legendary and heroic. Saint Monica was said to have prayed and wept every night for her son Augustine’s conversion.

Monica was married to a Pagan named Patricius, though like so many his religion was no more than a name; with a violent temper, he was drunkard and quite a carouser.

Monica seemed to spend a lifetime of worry centering on one of her three sons, Augustine; who was wayward and lazy. He was sent away to school, but lived there “dissolutely.”

Always the arrogant “intellectual,” Augustine had been living an “immoral life,” and adopted a heresy called Manichaeism. When he returned home, he shared his new theological views and Monica drove him away from her table. However, she is said to have experienced a strange vision that convinced her to reconcile with her son.

Monica followed her wayward son to Rome, where he had gone secretly; when she arrived he had already gone to Milan, but she followed him. Here she found and pleaded with the local bishop St. Ambrose for assistance. Through him she ultimately had the joy of seeing Augustine convert to Christianity, after seventeen years of his resistance, and decades of her prayers.

Augustine would become one of the most influential thinkers in all of history. Considered a “Doctor of the Church,” St. Augustine’s writings and teachings including his Confessions, have shaped Church teachings, as well as philosophy forever.

St. Monica is forever remembered as the “Patron Saint of parents,” especially “parents of troubled or wayward children.”

Being a “Cradle-Catholic,” I also wasn’t aware that other Christian denominations (and non-denominations) had a problem with “praying FOR the dead.” This was just something we always did, without really wondering if it was necessary or helpful.

Hadn’t the deceased already determined their destiny by their Faith (or lack of it), and consequential actions manifesting that Faith during their lifetimes? Of course they had.

So, of what good would prayers be for them? Not being a theologian, I’m not really sure; being a Catholic there was the issue of “purgation,” mentioned numerous times in scripture. Regardless of whether or not Purgatory is real or figurative; lasting “the blink of an eye,” or some longer element of time; and whether or not we can actually aid those in that position, I can’t be sure. Again, this has been argued for centuries by folks much smarter than I, but suffice it to say, it all becomes different when you lose someone you love.

I really have no knowledge whether or not it helps my Cullen grow a bit closer to God, or whether he’s there with Him already. I am relatively sure, however, of two things.

(1) The act of praying for my son certainly does no harm (Pascal), and (2) You would do so also if it was your own son.

Several Masses were said “for” my son, as well as for Mom and Dad this past year. The “Prayers of the Faithful” is a part of the Catholic Mass where we pray for each other, the world, victims of natural disasters, guidance for our leaders,etc, etc, with a special intention for the individual for whom that Mass was being said. “For the remission of their sins and the repose of their soul.”

It may or may not help my son on his journey.

It certainly helps me on mine.

Falling in Pamplona

Posted on March 28, 2013 by dogtorbill | Leave a comment

My new friend Matt, a teacher in California, has a student who had an accident, falling and hitting his head so brutally that he’s been on a ventilator for a week. His family and friends prayed and held hands, and sang and played guitar in the ICU. They prayed and told stories, and hugged and lifted each other up. They prayed and pleaded, and made deals, and became angry, and sullen, and cried, and fell to their knees, and said goodbye to Gregory.

They unplugged the ventilator and lost their friend, their inspiration, their dreams, their son.

We will always look back with regrets. But we know that living life is at its very core, running the race, not watching others. How I wish I could lift them up and give them strength. I’m only able to get out of bed, and put one front of the other, and breathe at all – because I’ve been lifted up and granted strength. Prayers lift me up, prayers will lift Greg’s family up.

As I’m anticipating my approaching Camino, it occurs to me that the running of this race seems like the running of the bulls – absurd to those watching, exhilarating to us running. When we stumble and fall, the near misses force us to doubt whether it has been worth it to be here. Then we see the horns approaching a neighbor; we swoop them up to safety. We can because we’re here. I’ll be in Pamplona in a few weeks for the first time. Again.

Buen Camino.

Consumed

Posted on February 25, 2013 by dogtorbill | Leave a comment

Yeah, I suppose I am consumed at times, most of the time in fact. OK, all the time. Sharon says I’m obsessive about everything I do. Well, she IS always right. Seriously. So although I do seem to be consumed all the time, it’s not always with grief. At least I don’t think I am.

This Camino thing will be really, really physically demanding. I mean, I AM 53 years old, and it will be pretty rough. And I’ve never even hiked before, unless you count boy scouts or walking through the woods to the cliff dive place a couple of years ago with Emily in Hawaii. So I bought all the right (I hope) gear, and started hiking with my 28# backpack a couple of times a week. Ok it’s like everyday, but just for a short walk before anyone wakes up. Well maybe more than a short walk, cause I walk from like 5:15 to about 7:00, but really that only like 6 or 7 miles every day. Does that sound obsessive? A little, I suppose, but I gotta get prepared for 18-25 miles each day, and I’m a long way from being in the shape I need to be in. And frankly, the “short walks” are kicking my butt! I am so sore, and not just pulled muscles and strained ligaments and sprained tendons, but my joints themselves are showing me a frustrating amount of intolerance to this kind of activity. I remember some arthritic changes in both knees and both hips in the XRays we took about 10 years ago when Cullen and I took Tae Kwan Do and I had a bit of a run in with my aging shell.

I do notice that the training doesn’t look so compulsive now that Sharon is walking with me when she can doesn’t have to be at work early and if I instead do an afternoon trek. Kind of kicking her younger body too!

Really though, I am. I can never just buy something. I am driven to research for hours. Heaven forbid not getting the best product for the best price. Buying socks takes hours; a phone weeks; a car takes months. Seriously.

Maybe a little ADD too, but that’s a different blog post.

She is right though, I am compulsive, and consumed. Since I discovered we were mortal, me specifically, I’ve been consumed with exploring faith, religion, God, death, and finally, living. Not really sure when that happened, but probably when the girl down the street from me named Kim Inman died from Leukemia when we were like 12. That’s the first death I really remember. She was someone I knew, a part of MY world, a 12 year old’s reality. She was there, my playmate, then almost instantly, was gone. Of course then there was Nana, Papu, Grandma, Grandpa, and Dante. And then Daddy. Lots of things there I wish I had done and said, and not done and not said. And lessons learned – good ones, bot what to do, and unfortunately lots of things not to do. But that’s another post also.

Also unfortunately some of these lessons came much too late about what not to do. How to stop generational history from repeating itself… You know, we become our parents. But again that’s the other post, but don’t look for it yet, cause its all still in my head.

But yeah, I do obsess about God and the other stuff I mentioned, as well as my perceptions about others’ relationship with God, and their perceptions toward mine; BTW, what the heck? Why all the vitriol about Catholics? We don’t worship statues, and think Mary is a God, and where does all this stuff even come from? Haha, but seriously – we’re not Christians? We were the ONLY Christians for over a thousand years before Henry got upset that the rules couldn’t be changed so he could get a divorce, and Martin Luther (and probably lots of others) were upset about indulgence abuse and threw out 17 books from the bible that he didn’t like. They’re inspired for 1500 years, then you decide you knew more than the early Church Fathers? Guess that’s a different post too. Don’t look for that one either.

Did I mention I’m a little ADD?

So I am consumed with Cullen’s loss, and no, it’s never gonna be the same again, and the “new normal” grief counselors talk about is bullshit. No, I’m not always consumed with grief and sadness, but yes, frankly the whole thing sucks, and I do think of Cullen every minute of every day. But lots of it is good stuff. Most of it in fact.

	Wouldn’t you like to… on Rude (Part 2) – Why even…
	Christina on She wasn’t being ru…
	marydon ford on She wasn’t being ru…
	Gloria Paquin on Veneration
	Carla Jamele on Veneration

dogtorbill

“This saying is hard; who can accept it?”

Category Archives: Grief